


pressure flowing like a river in my head

by ninejs



Series: the solar system [2]
Category: Final Fantasy X
Genre: Gen, my take on the "tidus looks like chappu" thing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-06
Updated: 2017-11-06
Packaged: 2019-01-21 05:15:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12450366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ninejs/pseuds/ninejs
Summary: 'For a moment, when she looks back to him, she's convinced herself that hedoesknow everything. Why wouldn't he, when he's clearly Chappu, sent back from beyond the grave, here to punish her?'





	pressure flowing like a river in my head

**Author's Note:**

> so here is the lulu piece for this series! i have to admit, i've been working on this one for a few months, and it feels a bit messy, but i think i've gone as far as i can with it.
> 
> this is my take on the whole "tidus looks like chappu" thing, and based on my own idea that lulu is not as over chappu as she lets on in-game. i adore the scenes in guadosalam, so i wanted to pay homage to lulu's in this piece (and... i already paid homage to rikku and auron's scenes in their pieces lmfao).
> 
> lulu is such an interesting character to delve into. she has so many complex feelings but can be so restrained... so much fun to explore in writing, to be honest. she definitely acts as the cool mom or big sister of the group and i wanted to portray that dynamic with tidus while also showcasing how complicated her feelings for him must be considering even she admitted he looks like her dead boyfriend/potential fiance. 
> 
> i hope you enjoy, and i hope i did lulu justice! i love my mom! also, i should mention that i accidentally published an unfinished draft of this (i deleted it right away, but uhh it still happened lol) so sorry about that!  
> final notes:  
> \- astrological background: venus was the roman goddess of love and beauty, but also of victory and prosperity.  
> \- title from dua lipa's last dance.

* * *

_ii. venus_

* * *

Luca isn't the first place she notices it, but it's the first place she really lets it sink in. Her subconscious had alerted it to her before, telling her something was up, that she wasn't just imagining what she thought she was. But Lulu, ever trying to be the rational one in a group that seemed to be full of children or adults no better than children (Kimahri excluded), ignored it. She told herself that it was just her imagination, that she couldn't start letting herself believe they were similar, otherwise she'd end up like Wakka and develop his inability to accept his brother's death.

But when Tidus started off with that "Hey," in a tone that sounds like he's scolding her (Scolding  _her_ , of all people?  _Really?_ ), and asked, "Aren't you being just a  _little_ unfair?" Lulu just couldn't ignore it anymore.

Because his blue eyes were burning, steely and completely foreign from his usual jovial demeanor, and there's something so strikingly familiar about it. She has seen eyes burn that way before. When it finally came to her, she bristled, and not out of anger, but out of confusion, out of a desire to look away and forget that path of emotions she seemed to be heading down.

( _Stop it. He's dead. You're not anything like Wakka, refusing to face a simple fact of life. He's gone and he's not coming back._ )

Always quick to put on a mask to hide how uncomfortable she is, Lulu snapped back with an incredulous "Excuse  _me_?" because, despite her regrettable turn of thought and subsequent emotions, she was still floored that Tidus was trying to scold her.

Tidus's eyes looked like they wanted to soften, clearly and suddenly realizing the error of his ways when it came to scolding Lulu, but there was also a clear conviction in them that keeps them from doing just that.

"I know I could never take Chappu's place," he started, and oh, Lulu wondered if she had started to see double. "You're the one who told Wakka that, right?"

She said nothing, trying to remember the night on Besaid when Wakka told her Tidus would be joining them in clear detail, or in  _any_  amount of detail at this point, anything to get away from how much the boy was reminding her of Chappu. She thought that maybe he'd start smiling at her like Chappu used to, tell her to cheer up and wipe off that old grumpy look on her face because it'll all be okay. Somewhere in her heart, Lulu wished that Tidus maybe would do all the things Chappu would do if he was alive. (In fact, much as she tries not to, there were some days that she wishes she didn't have to be the strong one, that she could be as oblivious as Wakka, because she still hurt as much as he did.)

"And I don't think Wakka would ever try to take Chappu's pl-"

"You  _don't_  want to finish that sentence."

Tidus jumped back, as if he'd been backhanded with her words for the second time in the conversation, clearly fearful of her anger, and sorry that he was the one who angered her in the first place. She wasn't really all that mad, mainly confused and a little upset. Because how is it, with all the questions he asks, with everything he doesn't know, that Tidus has any sort of grasp on all of her complicated history with Wakka and Chappu? He acts like he knows everything; defending Wakka by talking about how Wakka would never take his brother's place. As if he's seen every subtle advance Wakka has ever made from back when Chappu was alive and every one since Chappu's death. As if he knows that Wakka has stayed up at night, agonizing over this when he thinks no one is watching, when he thinks no one can hear him thinking out loud.

As if he knows everything about her.

For a moment, when she looked back to him, she'd convinced herself that he  _does_  know everything. Why wouldn't he, when he's clearly Chappu, sent back from beyond the grave to punish her for not mourning enough, for accepting some of those advances, for treating his brother coldly and burying all those feelings she thought were long gone?

Of course, the moment passes. He goes back to being the scared little boy from some fake Zanarkand with a hopelessly obvious and tragic crush on Yuna as fast as he became Chappu's angry ghost.

Lulu turns away, hoping to keep her thoughts from exploding out of her head, to keep her heart from bursting with such strange emotions. She needs to cool off and not look at the boy, for a long while so she can right herself. Make herself remember that no matter how much Tidus looks like him, even right down to the way his eyes burn with emotion, those eyes aren't Chappu's. He's gone.

( _You've never been the one who can't accept his death. Why are you thinking like this now?_ )

* * *

It isn't until after she visits the Farplane and sees Chappu again and finally lays him to rest in her heart that she thinks to confront Tidus over what happened in Luca. Lulu has tried not to stew over it, but being confronted with Chappu's spirit in the Farplane, a cruel reminder of just what had been snatched away from her, made the memory of Luca  _sting_. Tidus wasn't Chappu, despite the fact that sometimes it felt as if Chappu was staring at her through the eyes of a young, confused little boy.

It was disheartening, really. This was not her first experience with a death that had cruelly crushed something in her heart (Ginnem would never truly leave her thoughts), and Lulu felt as if accepting it and moving on should be easier. It wasn't. Maybe Wakka was rubbing off on her, or maybe she was finally letting those feelings of grief and unacceptance she never expressed out.

Deep down, Lulu knew the latter was the truth. Tidus bore no blame for her feelings of grief and guilt resurfacing. Even if it had only been in her own private thoughts, she still felt guilty that she blamed Tidus for her sudden "newfound" failure to accept Chappu's death. Lulu had always had trouble accepting it, she just locked it up inside of her heart and then buried it away. It was merely a coincidence that Tidus was around when she was being confronted with these feelings, now coming back to bite her.

The Travel Agency on the Thunder Plains was the first free moment they had from traveling in a while, so it is there that she decided to apologize.

"I'm sorry," she began, suddenly, startling the young blonde boy.

Tidus blinked at her in confusion. "Um... about what?"

"I feel as if... I have been treating you coldly," Lulu let out a loud, long sigh, "I blamed you for things that are the fault of no one but myself."

Tidus shook his head wildly, "You weren't being rude! You always answer my questions, even when they're dumb. Without you, Lulu, I think I'd be totally lost."

Lulu shook her head, "I think even Wakka would be able to answer some of those questions, but I appreciate the sentiment." She let out another sigh, "You don't need to make excuses. I know I have treated you coldly, and I think I owe you an explanation."

Tidus scratched the back of his head, "If that's what you wanna do, then I won't stop you. I just don't think it's that big a deal, is all."

Maybe he hadn't even noticed Lulu had treated him coldly. To be fair, she was naturally emotionally restrained and rational, and often the one who had to keep things together. She couldn't really blame him if he was unable to discern her behavior towards him when her instinct when she perhaps warmed a little slowly. It made her feel even more guilty. Tidus was silly and not as serious as she thought a guardian should be, but he wasn't undeserving of a warmer reception.

"Getting right to the point, I know that you probably know that you look like Wakka's brother, Chappu," when he nodded, she continued, "I think it's a big part of why Wakka felt so determined to help you. And... subconsciously, it's also probably why I've been answering so many of your questions."

Lulu pursed her lips into a frown, trying to give Tidus a minute to digest everything, and also trying to prepare herself for her the admission that she wasn't much different from Wakka when it came to their feelings over Chappu. That for a minute, she had thought that Tidus himself was Chappu, or had even considered it, the same way Wakka thought that maybe Tidus was a Chappu who had time traveled.

"In Luca, the way you stood up for Wakka... it reminded me of Chappu. It made me think that you were Chappu, and that he was punishing me for the way I had spoken about Wakka. I'm not as over Chappu's death as I seem, and I've been taking it out on you, even if I didn't recognize it at the time. And I'm very sorry."

Tidus was taken aback. Lulu's admission had been difficult for even her to accept, so she knew that Tidus was probably shocked that she was admitting it, and to him, of all the people they were traveling with.

He started laughing then. Lulu feared that she had broken him, but then he stopped and looked up at her. "Is that it? You had me really worried. I thought it was gonna be something really awful!"

Now it was Lulu's turn to be taken aback. She had no clue how to respond, which, she suspected, was how Tidus had been feeling and why he had reacted the way he did.

"Listen, I get it. I mean, when my mom died, it was really hard for me to come to terms with it. Even now, I think that maybe she's not really gone," Tidus said, in a rare moment of speaking about his mother, "And I dunno, I guess if I look as much like Chappu as you and Wakka seem to think I do, then it's probably bringing up a lot of bad memories. Like with Luzzu and everything."

Lulu flinched, unable to hide the pang of mixed emotions she felt at Luzzu being mentioned. "Still, I treated you and Wakka too harshly because I was unable to deal with my own feelings, and it was unfair of me."

"It doesn't really bug me," Tidus shrugged, crossing his arms behind his head, "I think Wakka is probably the one you should apologize to."

He was right, of course, loathe as Lulu was to admit it. Her own grievances were expressed in the way she lashed out at Wakka, but then again, Tidus still didn't know everything about their complicated history and that private moment between them in Luca. Even when it seemed like he was channeling Chappu, there was no way for him to know everything. Lulu figured that Wakka might have actually already known the reason why she had been so determined to drive home the point that Chappu was long dead.

"Hey, Lulu, can I ask you something?" Tidus's question pulled her out of her thoughts.

"Of course."

"Before, when you were talking about marriage not requiring love... were you also... maybe talking about yourself? If you had married Chappu, it would have been for love, right?"

Heavy questions from someone who usually only asks the most basic questions about Spira. But they are not difficult to answer. Though she might have been acting on her own repressed feelings when it came to Chappu's death, she wasn't when she discussed Yuna marrying for some other reason than love.

"Of course it would have been for love. That's a bit of a silly question."

She knows that he's probably still thinking about Yuna, upset that the young summoner can't follow her heart without repercussions. Lulu understood, of course, but found herself unable to tell him that Yuna was already following her heart by being a summoner.

"Oh! Sorry. I didn't mean to make you mad, I just..." he trailed off with a sigh, "I was just thinking that even though Yuna can't do what she wants, her guardians can. I think you should start following your heart more, Lulu."

"I mean, you don't need to be so closed off, y'know? I think you spend too much time taking care of the rest of us... you should be able to do what you want, too, is all."

Hm. He's just worried that she's not doing what she wants, is he? It's sweet, and a little silly, too, as expected of Tidus. It's exactly something Chappu would say to her, if he was here. It brings a smile to her face, and no matter how small it is, it's genuine, the first one she's had in a long while.

"Thank you, Tidus."

In her mind, she thanks Chappu, as well, knowing that only he would send someone like this to chastise her for not thinking of herself as often as she should. But she also knows that Chappu would send him as a way to move on, that she needs to let go. No one will ever be him, no matter if they look or act like him. But that's okay.

Tidus smiles his goofy smile, big and bright and full of pure optimism. For the first time since she's seen him do it, she doesn't see Chappu in it.

It seems she's learned a little something from Tidus, too.

( _Thank you, Chappu_.)


End file.
